I am sitting here dumbfounded as I read this month’s “People’s Sexiest Man Alive” issue. While last year I lamented the predictability of a Dwayne Johnson cover and found 2015’s David Beckham plain boring this year’s choice was downright inexplicable. Anxiously anticipating this monumental double issue yearly special I was sadly disappointed by Editorial Director Jess Cagle’s introduction where he calls this “the annual ritual of silliness.”
All the years I wrote analytical articles dissecting this pivotal decision were torn to shreds by the head of the magazine. Hey Jess if it’s so silly why print it? Jess then goes on to talk about the fact that “every day another famous man is being exposed as a sexual predator”- can we just call him “Jess the Downer.” He then claims this issue celebrates men “who do good as well as look good”- if that’s the case where’s the Pope in this issue? You forgot to include Sully or all the cops and heroes who save people for little money on a daily basis. I am just curious as to what good Chris Pine, Justin Timberlake, 50 Cent and Ryan Gosling do-aside from making a lot of money and having nice abs.
Jess then says, “Blake Shelton is sexy because he’s sweet the kind of guy who would pull over and fix your flat tire; a guy who says he tries, every day, to put the woman he loves on a pedestal.” This statement is wrong in so many ways. First of all he should have called the issue the “Sexiest guy who will fix your flat tire” not the “Sexiest Man Alive”. Moreover, Blake may say he loves to put his woman on a pedestal but he has a pretty nasty divorce with Miranda Lambert under his cowboy belt – why don’t we ask Miranda what she thought of him when he was flirting with young contestants on “The Voice” while being married.
I did learn from a television interview that the reason Gosling has not been chosen as a cover boy is because he has refused to be interviewed and photographed for the pictorial. Shelton might have been tenth on the list but the only one willing to appear on the cover – a bit of a consolation. I was actually coming to terms with the Blake Shelton choice as he’s got a nice head of hair and has lost some weight over the years. I even began fantasizing about him picking me up on his horse for a date in the wild countryside with his cute Southern accent – that is until I read his cringe worthy interview. “Do you ever walk around the house without any clothes,?” the People interviewer inquired. Shelton answered, “I wouldn’t want my dog to see me naked. It’s like half-melted vanilla ice cream with little hairs stuck to it. That’s what I look like naked.”
Wow! If that isn’t cause to revoke the “Sexiest Man Title” I am not sure what is. What happened to George Clooney, Harrison Ford, Brad Pitt – even Mel Gibson is looking sexy right now – okay maybe not. The inside of the issue is not much better with a whole section I found both corny and confusing entitled “studies have shown that pets make guys substantially sexier” and then pairing Jimmy Fallon with his dog Gary, Wiz Khalifa with his pet Max, Scott Eastwood with lab Fred and Bobby Flay with cat Nacho. I am baffled as to whether these men and their pets are included in the list of Sexiest Men or if it’s just a suggestion to men as to how to increase their sexy quotient. Maybe People should have a “Sexiest Pet Alive” issue as an addendum – that would be fun.
The section on sexy newsmen which includes Anderson Cooper, Willie Geist, Jake Tapper and Shepard Smith left me going “Really”- did we have to go there. Next People revealed from a public poll what celeb feature “set pulses racing” with Andy Cohen’s hair being the first item chosen -interesting choice of words considering Kathy Griffin accused him of offering her cocaine. Sorry Barack’s smile is cute and Kit Harington’s butt is nice but my pulse hasn’t skipped a beat. The last item I will take issue with is the page “Sexy at Every Age” which includes James Corden, Aaron Paul, Sam Smith, Stanley Tucci and Matthew Modine – no commentary needed. In fact the sexiest man in the whole issue was the model advertising HIV drug Truvada – he is an absolute stunner. While last year I picked the men I thought were sexiest this year there were so many men behaving badly I will include an “The Un-Sexiest Men Alive” list.
The Five Un-Sexiest Men of 2017:
1. Harvey Weinstein – this 65 year-old lecher comes in first place with over 80 women accusing him of some type of sexual assault. Harvey apparently drew up a list of over 100 people to discover what they knew about his sexual misconduct and if they intended to go public. Poor Harvey went from Hollywood mogul to near fugitive within weeks. Even A-listers Gwyneth and Angelina joined the dozens of women claiming harassment. It seems the only women Harvey didn’t accost were Meryl Streep and Judi Dench. Even Harvey’s magnificent wife Georgina Chapman filed for divorce due to his “unforgivable actions.” Goldman Sachs recently wrote down the value of their stake in the Weinstein Company to zero. Hey Harvey you recently said everyone deserves a second chance but I am not sure you fall into that category – your best second chance might be heading to Brazil before the police get hold of you.
2. Larry David – the only thing less sexy then appearing on SNL to joke about sexual harassment in your monologue is a 70-year-old joking on SNL about picking up women in a concentration camp. This is beyond bad taste and exemplifies a desperate desire to gain attention. Only one woman has been brave enough to marry this misogynist. Isn’t being a billionaire good enough for you Mr. David? I hope this puts an end to your career. By the way, please retire the Bernie Sanders imitation he is no longer a candidate and it gets old just like you.
3. Al Franken – Senator Al of Minnesota has been caught red handed – if pictures tell a thousand words than I need say nothing more.
4. Louis C.K. – masturbating in front of women when you look like Louis is akin to inflicting Chinese torture. Moreover, while this man acknowledged doing so he never apologized and said he would be “listening more.” Thankfully, his new movie “I Love You Daddy,” which makes light of incest has been pulled from distribution – some things just aren’t funny. This man lost his manager, publicist, network and streaming service. I am hopeful he and his creepy red beard will fade into the sunset.
5. Kevin Spacey – this man was never a looker but making passes at dozens of boys and men is deplorable. While this two time Oscar winner has enormous talent his sexual appetite and ego are similarly oversized. How this 58-year-old was allowed to continually abuse subordinates is a mystery. Sorry Kevin the “Cards” have turned against you this year.
Ending Thanksgiving on a positive note I would like to choose The Five Sexiest Men of 2017:
1. Nick Bateman: This 30-year-old 6′ 4″ inch Instagram star with 6.7 million followers is also a martial artist, winning four world titles, and an actor. Hailing from Burlington, Ontario this brunette from Canada has abs made of steel and a chest that is Herculean. I met him this year at The Harper’s Bazaar Icon Party and he was humble and kind. Nick frequently posts about his mother’s brave battle with cancer and doesn’t take himself too seriously. This man has a “huge” career on the horizon.
2. Tristan Thompson: This 26-year-old may be known as Khloe’s better half but this tall glass of water is an accomplished ball player having helped the Cavaliers win an NBA championship in 2016. He is handsome and discreet and continues to prove he is the perfect boyfriend. He and Khloe Kardashian are expecting a baby and I hope this 6′ 9″ hottie enjoys impending fatherhood
3. Rob Thomas: Nothing is sexier than a man who stands by his magnificent ailing wife. This 45-year-old is one of the most talented musicians on the planet – excelling in singing, songwriting and producing. He and his wife Marisol continue to bravely confront her battle with Lyme disease – hats off to Mr. Thomas.
4. Alex Rodriguez: Talk about a resurrection this 42-year-old former player for the New York Yankees went from oblivion to superstardom after hooking up with J.Lo. They continue to be the hottest couple on the planet and are one of the few to appear jointly on the cover of Vanity Fair. Alex is now a TV Personality on Shark Tank, Fox Sports 1 and The ABC News network. Alex seems to be the perfect boyfriend and father and I am predicting an imminent wedding.
5. Brad Pitt: While he may no longer have the chiseled abs or perfectly smooth face this man acted nobly during his brutal divorce and Hollywood took notice by giving him a well deserved standing ovation at the 2016 Golden Globe Awards.& In May 2017 he gave an intimately personal GQ interview in which he confessed to being an alcoholic-this was brave beyond words. Angelina might not want him but there are thousands of others who do. Hoping the future turns brighter for this devoted dad!
– Lieba Nesis
