The Oscars 2015 proved to be a big snooze as predicted and yet, the greatest disappointment was the complete absence of male eye candy. While I had practically given up on any female fashion standouts, my hope was that some gorgeous men would steal the show and allow me to sleep with dreams of a Cooper (Brad) or a Tatum (Channing) sweeping me off my feet on some deserted Caribbean Island. Even Matthew McConaughey was on my mind, hoping he might appear in some heavy duty Dolce and Gabbana tuxedo with some great hairdo reminding me of his history as a heartthrob back in the days when he was voted People’s Sexiest Man Alive.
Unfortunately, most of the men ending up looking like Bruce Jenner, with too much surgery and enhancements and by the end of the show Michael Keaton was the only alpha male that had captured my attention–and that is not a good thing. It is hard to explain what has occurred in male dominated Hollywood, but suffice it to say the days of Cary Grant, Gary Cooper and John Wayne are finito and a new era of Bruce Jenner “men who look like women” has arrived. Alternatively, there is the homeless grunge thing going on which is equally depressing. Not to diminish or ridicule Jenner, who has been widely mocked by an unrelenting media, but I am tearful as I try to come to terms with why Tinseltown’s leading men enlist their plastic surgeons to make them unrecognizably womanly, disappointing their faithfully devoted female audience.
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| Left: Bradley Cooper 2014; Right Oscars 2015 |
The worst offender of his own beauty is Bradley Cooper, an incredible actor, stunning specimen and classy gentleman. Bradley has been nominated for 4 Academy Awards and continues to astound with his acting prowess. However, it was not until he starred in the “Hangover” trilogy that he skyrocketed to fame and this was mostly due to his comely appearance. His long hair, statuesque physique and sleazy smile made him irresistible and allowed him to progress to more serious roles that showcased his prodigious talent. Kudos to Bradley, he is a megastar breaking box office records with “American Sniper” and selling briskly on Broadway in a magnificent “Elephant Man” performance. What happened to your face and hair Mr. Cooper? There is a fakeness and tightness that is indescribable which leaves me brokenhearted-your girlfriend Suki looks more masculine than you. The hair is slicked back, short and dark, no more sexy highlights rubbing against that spectacular face. Bradley, whoever your plastic surgeon is please stop. You owe it to the public to not only impress James Lipton on Actor’s Studio but to give joy to those that supported you during your “Hangover” days. Grow the hair back, stop with the Restylane and Botox injections, and take the picture of Bruce Jenner and Eddie Redmayne off your refrigerator, these men are not good role models.
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| John Travolta Oscars 2015 |
Similarly, John Travolta, albeit a leftover celebrity, continues to amaze, with his creepy ladylike appearance, showing up at the Oscars with a head full of fake hair, a “Frozen” face (shout out to Adele Dazeem) and made up looking eyes and cheeks, complete with a cowboy necklace. I am getting a “Saturday Night Fever” just thinking of his unfortunate appearance, especially when comparing him to the days of “Grease” and “Welcome Back Kotter.” His career is done but we are sure he can console himself with his Boeing 747. Some more unfortunate pinups who have gone awry include Matthew McConaughey, Channing Tatum, and even a lesser known Tim McGraw. Matthew McConaughey awed with his Academy Award winning performance in the 2014 “Dallas Buyers Club” in which he lost 47 pounds and his movie star looks. Years later and his face still remains gaunt and unattractive. Moreover, his Unabomber beard which he debuted at the Oscars made him look disheveled and awkward, something that no Dolce and Gabbana tuxedo could compensate for. Matthew, one thing is for sure, you will never have to worry about appearing in a romantic comedy again with your morose and dejected demeanor.
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| Left: Channing Tatum 2010 Right Oscars 2015 |
Another “Magic Mike” disappointment is Channing Tatum who catapulted to fame with his boyish masculinity in “Step Up.” His looks have since trended downward with a pathetic side combover, a surgically altered face and a blank stare. The imperfections are what made these men outstanding, and now they look like cardboard cutouts of their prior selves. While Tim McGraw was never much of a looker in my book, he had a sexy schmaltziness that was somewhat appealing. At this past Oscars, his thinning side-parted hair coupled with his gaunt face and body left me longing for the mildly dashing country star of latter days.
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| Jared Leto 2015 Oscars |
While there were some decent looking men at the Oscars with Chris Pratt looking dashing in a Tom Ford tuxedo, John Legend looking adorable in a Gucci tuxedo, and Benedict Cumberbatch looking better than usual in a white suit, the overall showing was less than impressive. Even Jared Leto, someone who wowed at last years Oscars, looked like Jesus’s crazy brother, with his shaggy unwashed hairdo and dumb behavior (licking and rubbing Patricia Arquette’s face on stage), making him a “what was he thinking” poster child. There are still some men who have aged gracefully and appropriately without overdoing the surgery, including Tom Cruise, George Clooney, Brad Pitt, and Harrison Ford; however, without them attending the Oscars I found myself longing for the “good old days” when men without tattooed eyeliner and greased combovers graced the Oscars with their majestic presence.
Ha!