Julianne Moore (Photos: Getty Images & People Magazine)

For those of you who are still snoozing off your post-holiday coma it’s time to wake up. Welcome to award season 2015! It was just before the 3rd Annual Hollywood T & A show (that stands for Tina and Amy although their roles were seemingly limited), AKA the 72nd Annual Golden Globes when I decided that, for many attendees, dressing for the once again soggy red carpet must be much harder than picking a plum role. I especially thought this after watching Ryan Seacrest in the E! preshow interviewing Julianne Moore. The amazing redhead, clad in high-necked shimmery silver topped/feather bottomed custom Givenchy Couture; and mere hours from her Best Actress win for “Still Alice,” remarked that the “fashion game has changed in the last ten years. We have access to things we didn’t have access to before.”

Riccardo Tisci and Kanye

Assuming that means, what I think it does; Riccardo Tisci, (and others of his ilk) when he’s not busy designing for Kanye and Kim, will actually do something for an awards show nominee, then I guess she’s right. Although some critics called her gown over designed, I was more bothered by the reflection of the silver paillettes on her face as she accepted her award later in the evening. I still don’t understand exactly what gives in Hollyweird and why there are so many stylists/designers and so few interesting options for the red carpet. Is there some sort of fashion fog that pervades the left coast from seeing clearly? Or is it the Marijuana haze? Ha!

Dakota Johnson

Maybe its that they still have tinsel and candy canes on their minds and on their backs. It certainly seemed that the holidays were not quite over as the main colors of the evening were silver (platinum if you must), red and white. Along with Ms. Moore, also firmly in the silver camp were Uzo Adobo, Dakota Johnson (it’s one of the Fifty Shades of Gray, I suppose), a caped J. Lo with her “globes”, (thanks Jeremy Renner for commenting),  Reese Witherspoon going not so “Wild” in Calvin Klein and Emma Stone’s jumpsuit featuring a silver sequined top (black butt bow not included). White cutouts with a Grecian nod were a thing as Versace’d Kate Hudson,  Vera Wang-ed Rosamund Pike and a Michael Kors-ed Emily Blunt all wore them. Brits Keira Knightly and Sienna Miller donned embellished white gowns; Knightly’s Chanel was clearly no “Imitation” and took “30 people a week to make it” and its embellished butterflies while Ms. Miller’s was plunging Miu Miu; no word on its labor intensive timespan.

Allison Williams

Seeing red were Allison Williams in an extremely Christmas-y Armani Prive (I could see her as an ornament hanging from a fir tree), as well as a strangely old looking Taylor Schilling (the severe pulled back hair can be aging). In a stiff crumb-catchered, matronly and ankle grazing frock was Juliana Margulies also with bad hair. Nancy Carrell (Steve’s wife) looked great and noted that Carolina Herrera had personally created and delivered (“She dropped it off this morning, herself”) her gown. Successfully crimson hued were Jane Fonda (how does she do that at 77?), Helen Mirren in embellished Dolce & Gabbana accessorized with a Charlie Hebdo tribute pen  and Heidi Klum, considerably younger but also looking spectacular; as the legends that they all are.

Claire Danes

Those who bucked the trend and wore other colors included a victorious Amy Adams in periwinkle with a Versace a Tiffany & Co. diamond brooch near her posterior, Katherine Heigl in a dangerously low scoop necked dark blue Zac Posen ( she alluded to considering another even more plunging Posen before deciding it was too “cleavagy”), Felicity Jones in a teal “MOTB” gown (please get this girl a good stylist ASAP!), and Claire Danes in unusually disastrous Valentino peahen (read mousier than peacock) feathers (I just don’t get this one at all)! One of my favorite Versace-clad ladies (there were six) was Jessica Chastain in a bronze-y metallic haltered and pleated “Marilyn Monroe over the subway grate”-esque number. In sunny yellow were Naomi Watts (Gucci strapless with Bulgari diamond serpentine necklace) as well as Jenna Dewan Tatum in a paler lemonade hued strapless, stiff looking, and overly long gown that appeared uncomfortable and unwieldy.

Amal forces a smile

You can’t have a black tie event without some black gowns gracing it and the best were Jennifer Aniston’s sequined bodice and “Jolie-slit” skirt, Amal Clooney, who in strapless Dior with a shoulder train also wore her best McKayla Maroney “Not Impressed” expression (apparently nonplussed by her husband’s “day job”) along with her own white gloves (no manicure necessary, she’s a very busy woman ha) and white clutch adorned with “Je Suis Charlie” button. Interestingly, hubby George who received the DeMille Lifetime Achievement Award, refused to do a shot of his own brand of tequila with Guiliana Rancic in the E! preshow. Amal looked on a touch disdainfully…not everyone can be a human rights lawyer, hon. Others who went to the dark side include “Winfrey” looking good in a crystal embellished neckline, Lorde in a crop top and custom Narciso tuxedo (say “Narciso tuxedo” three times fast), sparkly bib necklace and tamed straight hair indicating that she’s growing up and “Jane The Virgin” winner Gina Rodriguez in strapless, fishtailed, sheer skirted detailed Badgley Mischka. I know that Vanessa Friedman disparages the classic default of the strapless fishtail but IMO, don’t fix what’s not broken. (See article)

Lupita Nyong’O

My favorites of the night:  Lupita Nyong’O still has it all sewn up in Giambattista Valli, which some said was not appropriate for an evening of this caliber but I’m a huge fan, as well as Miss Golden Globe Greer Grammer far from “Awkward” in fairy-tale pink/gold embroidered Lorena Sarbu.  This was giving me a “Cinderella” vibe and I actually can’t wait to see the movie, mostly for the fashion, when it comes out in March. Speaking of upcoming movies: Nyong’O was mum on any upcoming Star Wars deets yet dished about her dress adding that this year she was having “lots of fun. The pressure’s off” after last year’s constant need to outdo herself as a nominee and winner. I noticed that she matched her purple eyeshadow to her purple flowered dress which I thought was a no-no. Last year when she wore green to the Met gala her makeup artist called to everyone’s attention the fact that she was not wearing emerald or moss hued shadow to reflect her gown but instead went with violet. Let’s face it: there’s no hard and fast rule. Maybe she just prefers an aubergine eye?

Kerri Washington

Worst get-ups: Kerry Washington’s brocade two tone Mary Katrantzou (I appreciate the effort to be different but something got lost in translation), Maggie Gyllenhaal was a Globes winner but her Miu Miu was a loser (I’ve seen better dressed bridesmaids and don’t even get me started on the “dyed to match but still a shade off” shoes), and even Tina Fey and Amy Poehler had a few missteps. Tina’s opening Antonio Berardi gown (called a “jeweled apron” by the Huff Po)as well as Amy Poehler’s royal blue Stella McCartney elastic waist maternity-looking choice brought an inauspicious start to the night and had me wondering if the audience was supposed to be laughing at or with them. (Thanks to Steve Martin we know that “comedy is not pretty.”) Luckily they later redeemed themselves, not only with Bill Cosby and North Korea jokes (maybe Margaret Cho can host as a North Korean dictator next year) but sartorially as well. Although Amy had promised “Fifty costume changes and like, ten emotional changes” in her pre-show interview; perhaps that was a bit overarching.

By the end of the show they had indeed gotten it right as Tina’s “undone” tuxedo bow tie/shirt and Amy’s navy butterfly gown brought their three-year reign as Globes Girls and hostesses with the mostesses(?) to a close. As Meryl Streep said “What are we going to do without Amy and Tina?’  Tune in next year to find out.

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Diane Keaton

I don’t know what I was most looking forward to at last evening’s 71st Golden Globes Awards (the first Red Carpet event of the year and one that is traditionally fast paced and highly entertaining): watching Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, in their second stint as hosts; seeing Diane Keaton accept Woody Allen’s Cecil B. DeMille Lifetime Achievement Award; or the fashion (or the lack thereof), since Red Carpet Fashion, is a complete oxymoron. (If you’re a true lover of fashion, you are bound to be disappointed at these kinds of events, but they are still fun to watch).

For the record, while I don’t think Tiny and Amy were quite as brilliantly hilarious as they were last year, they were certainly witty, smart, and up to the task, if not at times, outrageously off color (as in their joke about Leonardo DiCaprio and  “supermodels’ vagina”). And while they made several wardrobe changes, none were exactly memorable. But that’s beside the point, since fashion is not really the duo’s strong point. As for Diane, (who is truly aging beautifully), she always stands out fashion wise at these events, because she always looks like herself and not some manufactured doll. When everyone else is in glamour puss gowns, she almost always taps into that Annie Hall side of her, with an ode to menswear, which suits her so well. As she did last night, wearing an impeccably tailored black tuxedo pantsuit, white shirt, and black tie (Ralph Lauren?)

Lupita Nyong’o

So, in a sea of cloned and borrowed fishtail strapless gowns, who stood out? My choice of best dressed goes to Lupita Nyong’o, in a brilliant red Ralph Lauren Collection gown with cape effect, which was a standout on Ralph’s spring 2014 runway. Unembellished and minimalistic, the style and color suited Lupita perfectly and she looked like a true star. (FYI, Lupita has become quite a fashion hit with designers, and many of the big names were vying to dress her). Best Actress winner Cate Blanchett looked ethereal and every inch the star in her black lace Armani Prive (Cate always manages to select dresses that really suit her perfectly). Julia Roberts’ Dolce & Gabbana (a crisp white shirt worn beneath a strapless black dress accentuated with a crystal belt) looked unfussy and modern.  Sandra Bullock’s Prabal Gurung’s graphic tri color satin gown was one of the prettiest from the resort 2014 season.

Caitlin FitzGerald

While I’m not necessarily a pale blue person, I loved Caitlin FitzGerald’s pale blue short sleeved gown with uneven hem by Emilia Wickstead. It looked quite fresh and more importantly, I loved how she minimally but effectively accessorized it with a peach satin clutch and peach and pale blue striped satin pumps. The very pregnant Drew Barrymore looked like the essence of spring in Monique Lhullier (the dress was covered with pink and red petals and she wisely accessorized with red satin Roger Vivier pumps). Lena Dunham’s strapless gown by Zac Posen was pretty much all about the vivid shade of yellow.

Cate Blanchett

Disappointments for me (there are far too many to list), included Jennifer Lawrence in her white strapless Dior Haute Couture gown which looked too poufy and too ‘bridesmaids’ to me; Zooey Deschanel’s Oscar de la Renta confection was a bit too old fashioned and prom like; Reese Witherspoon’s green Calvin Klein was too plain and simple; Helen Mirren’s green Jenny Packham did nothing for her; Naomi Watts’ silver beaded Tom Ford was too lackluster (and the color rather unflattering).  Uma Thurman could have done a lot better than that black Atelier Versace (what’s happened to her these days?); Amber Heard, also in black Versace Atelier, looked as though she was trying too hard to channel Angelina Jolie (the year she wore that long black gown and flashed her leg); presenter Paula Patton’s white gown with overblown side ruffle was way too busy and distracting.

Jacqueline Bisset

And finally, even though I personally found Jacqueline Bisset’s predictably embellished dress a bit aging, she is still beautiful, I’m glad she won in her category, and her very “salty” acceptance speech included her observation that “forgiveness is the best beauty secret”.

– Marilyn Kirschner

Tina Fey and Amy Poehle

Despite the large puddle on the red carpet (a broken sprinkler flooded one area of it) and some problems with cues and teleprompters
during the actual telecast, not to mention some really rambling, spaced out
acceptance speeches (see below) the 71st Annual Golden Globes are now one for
the history books.  Did anyone else think that Tina Fey and Amy
Poehler didn’t quite bring it this year and I’m not referring to their fashion
which was generally on point.  To note: The Globes are the only
awards show which features food and more importantly, drink, and I often wonder
if perhaps the combination of starving actresses and alcohol don’t mix as
seamlessly as some of the designer gowns.  Here’s my breakdown of
what worked and what actually “brokedown.”

Lena Dunham

G:  “Girls”   Lena
Dunham looks like the canary that swallowed the cat.  Although
somewhat improved from last year’s brown off-the-shoulder creation that made her
look like either a football or a linebacker, the bright strapless yellow mermaid
is almost working but something was a bit off, even Lena admitted.
I know Zac Posen is her friend but maybe she should seek out a designer
that doesn’t instruct her to “make her body into an ‘s'” when “posen” on the red
carpet.  Perhaps Zac is more friendly to latina curves (see Sophia
Vergara).  Allison Williams went for black and white striped
Alexander McQueen with a strange neckline which also wasn’t her best
look.  Zosia Mamet wore a somewhat matronly black and white Reem
Acra dress and bobbed her hair for the occasion contributing to the more mature
look.

Julia Roberts

Paula Patton

O:  Ooops!  The water cooler
moments include:  Was Jacqueline Bissett drunk, drugged or
unhinged? By the way, hers was only the second award of the evening which didn’t
seem to bode well for the rest of the show coming in at under 5 hours!
Did Paula Patton show nipple on the side that wasn’t swathed in the
“ruffle that ate Detroit”?  Emma Thompson in vintage Lanvin
unceremoniously tossed her painful Christian Louboutin’s away at
the podium (she actually referred to the iconic red soles as being “her blood”)
however she managed to hold onto her cocktail (!)  and Robin
Wright’s pasty made its debut as she turned hastily in her sparkly gold Reem
Acra halter neck.

Lupita Nyong’ o

B:  Best would have to be Lupita Nyong ‘O’s orangey- red Ralph Lauren cape
silhouette which we’ve seen a bit of lately as a version of it was featured for
fall 2013 in black as well as being seen in white on Gwyneth Paltrow at last
year’s Oscars.  Also, I was a huge fan of Kate Beckinsale’s
anthracite beaded Zuhair Murhad, Margot Robbie’s elegant white Gucci grecian
inspired dress and Laura Dern’s Roberto Cavalli slinky number.  I need to mention the stunning Camila Alves (Matthew McConaghey’s
wife) in a long sleeved black sequin gown chosen, so she said, after her husband
chose his tux in order to coordinate.

Elizabeth Moss

E:  Edgy would go to Emma Watson’s hybrid Dior
gown/pants combo also displaying the covered up in the front and completely open
in the back silhouette.  Elizabeth Moss in an art deco inspired J.
Mendel beaded and sequined creation looked the part but gave the pre-show “E”
mani cam the finger (how did Giuliana Rancic not see that one coming when she
advised Moss she could go wild and do anything?).  Moss also
audibly cursed on stage when she won for “Top of the Lake.”

Sofia Vergara

Jennifer Lawrence

D: Disappointments (the letter “D” can be found in Golden
and also on report cards!)  I didn’t love Jennifer Lawrence’s white
tiered Dior (too wedding cake), Jessica Chastain’s Givenchy black strapless gown
which looked very heavy and gapped a bit at the bustline or Sandra Bullock’s
color blocked Prabal Gurung which was shown with a belt on the runway.
I also wasn’t a fan of Amy Adams’ choice as it appeared to be an extra
dress that was perhaps left unused and discarded after “American Hustle”
wrapped.  As she won for best actress for the movie, the least they
could do was to lend her a costume from the props closet.  Maybe
she wanted to display her upright posture which she stated kept her from having
a “wardrobe malfunction” in real life, not just in the movies.

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This year’s Golden Globes was a suitably lighthearted affair that seemed infinitely more enjoyable than last year’s broadcast namely because host Ricky Gervais struck just the right tone with the Hollywood crowd. For all his talk that he wasn’t going to hold back, it was clear that this was going to be a kinder, gentler Ricky when he chose to take not one but two shots at a safe target — Kim Kardashian — within the first ten minutes of the broadcast. When Gervais introduced Johnny Depp, the evening’s first presenter, he cleverly managed to signal all was forgiven(at least by Depp)for his full-frontal attacks like the one he deployed on The Tourist last year. If you happened to have forgotten, Gervais basically called out Depp for making one of the worst movies of last year with costar Angelina Jolie. Tonight, he told the audience that Depp had taken such a hit for making the film that he was now reduced to starring in a film with him. When Depp took the stage Gervais asked Depp if he had yet to see The Tourist to which Depp sheepishly admitted he hadn’t. It was a funny bit and it worked to set the right tone for the night.

From there on in, the stars knew it was pretty much safe to come out on stage and those that did endured fairly benign ribbing which made for a relaxed evening that has always made the Globes the best of the award shows to watch. Full disclosure: I switched to PBS for my weekly fix of Downton Abbey from 9 to 10 pm (moments after it won its own Globe for Best Mini-Series. Hurray!) so I won’t be doing my usual minute-by-minute recap. Instead, here’s my fashion scorecard from the evening. Let’s face it, that’s what you want to read about anyway. (For those do who care, I will be doing my usual minute-by-minute recap of The Academy Awards next month)

Okay, let’s talk fashion.

The evening’s big winner? Zac Posen who dressed so many women I finally lost count including Reese Witherspoon, Kelly Osbourne (never looked better)and glamazon Elle Macpherson.

So who was Best Dressed? Hard to say, I have to give it to Angelina Jolie. While she contends she isn’t particularly fond of doing the whole red carpet thing, no other actress is doing it better right now. Sure, she looked a little ice queen-ish but like my mother always said, it’s not what you wear, it’s how you wear it and Angelina owned that red carpet. No question. Her choice of the one shoulder ivory satin stunner accented with a touch of red is sure to be one of those images that we see over and over again forever. Everything was perfect: the understated hair swept into a chic chingnon, the scarlet lips and the red clutch were to die for. If we were scoring points for best dressed couple, however, we’d have to deduct some points. We like the clean, shaven classic Brad a lot better than the scraggly one.

Charlize Theron

There are several runners-up for the night’s top fashion honors. My three favorites of the night: Charlize Theron in pale pink Dior couture (I have to say I really loved the black Azzedine Alaia she wore to the Critic’s Choice Awards), Natalie Portman in a sumptuous crimson and fuchsia Lanvin (a glorious way to return from maternity leave!)and Kate Beckinsale (the best body in Hollywood) in a strapless beaded Cavalli gown in the evening’s surprisingly popular shade of greige.

George Clooney

Stacy Keibler’s looked beautiful in her red Valentino gown(loved the bow in the back!) She and beau George Clooney are my pick for the night’s best looking couple. Big surprise, I know.

Other actresses who dressed and impressed: Sofia Vergara in a strapless navy Vera Wang fishtail gown that showed off her twice a day visits to the gym in preparation for tonight perfectly. An elegant Jessica Alba in a lavender beaded Gucci gown that reminded me of another dress in a similar hue that first got her notice on the carpet several years ago. Alba has taken a page from Halle Berry’s playbook and began dressing like a movie star long before she became one.

And a round of applause for two of my favorite Hollywood vets: the ageless Michelle Pfeiffer looked absolutely flawless in her navy strapless Armani with its flowing tiered skirt. At 73, Jane Fonda showing off her still killer bod and beautiful face (so what if it’s been helped along, she looks good) is my hero.

I bet Reese Witherspoon is having a lot of good sex. How else do you explain her temptress bedhead tresses and skintight red fishtail gown? Contrast this look, if you can, with that frumpy 1960’s debutante ball gown she wore when she won her Oscar one husband ago. The transformation is striking. It’s not that she didn’t look good, but it was just a little too much. I much preferred her revenge dressing looks that she wore from Nina Ricci when she and Ryan Phillippe first spilt.

What a difference a few years make, Madonna. I was frankly shocked that she chose to wear a completely boring Reem Acra (really?) on the red carpet after such a long absence in the limelight. Meh. And the crucifix and gloves? Haven’t we moved on from that?

Rooney Mara has one of the most gorgeous faces I’ve ever seen. I liked her black Nina Ricci dress but it felt it was a little too much of an expected choice given we’ve seen her in so much black of late. Time to let go of the goth girl.

What was with all those matronly dresses? I love Michelle Williams (who happened to give one of the evening’s loveliest speeches) but her penchant for frumpy frocks is disappointing. Remember that dreadful burlap sack adorned with daisies she wore to last year’s Globes? This year’s panne velvet number by Jason Wu was an improvement but not by much. She is too lovely for these heavy dresses that overwhelm her petite frame.

Jessica Biel looked like she was wearing Sandra Bullock’s wedding dress from The Proposal before Betty White altered it. Draping that gives you a third breast is never a good idea. I stood next to this beautiful creature on the red carpet this fall when she was wearing a gorgeous Giambattista Valli. When she gets it right, she’s flawless. This was not one of those nights.

Another Jessica, The Help’s Jessica Chastain, missed by a mile in a too tight, strangely styled Givenchy. I didn’t get the turtleneck, all those pearls or the belt. And her fussy hair aged her. This beautiful young actress, who is really having a moment, needed a statement making dress to suit the stellar year she’s had. This was not it.

And what was up with Mila Kunis? You get a contract with Dior and you show up looking like you’ve put on ten pounds and you’ve been up all night? I love this actress and anointed her as a new fashion star at last year’s Oscars when she wore that dazzling lace dress in lavender by Elie Saab, but tonight she looked awful.

Memo to Lea Michelle: please stop trying so hard. She was literally the last person left on E!’s red carpet and was posing for anyone with a flash. And that lace Marchesa, which would have looked more at home on a professional ice rink, was as overwrought as the actress who wore it.

Now it’s on to the SAG Awards!

Leave a comment and tell me who you thought was the night’s best and worst dressed.

The post Fashion Winners & Sinners appeared first on lookonline.

THE LAST WORD: THE 2011 GOLDEN GLOBE AWARDS A Review by Diane Clehane

Best dressed: Eva Longoria in Zac Posen

Ask anyone in Hollywood and they will tell you that The Golden Globes is usually one of the most enjoyable nights of the year. It’s always a great party with lots of loose, unscripted moments and plenty of laughs. Not anymore. A shockingly mean-spirited Ricky Gervais and too many rambling presenters (Christian Bale, we mean you) managed to suck all the air out of the room and turn the evening into a big downer within the show’s first ten minutes. It only went down hill from there.

With the exception of Natalie Portman’s sweet homage to her family (Go Grandma Bernice!) and Colin Firth’s self-deprecating and utterly charming riff on middle age, the night’s winners were kind of, well, boring. I appreciate what Glee has done for high school kids who feel like misfits (and Chris Colfer’s remarks were inspiring), but I’m tired of seeing the show’s entire squadron of performers take over the red carpet and the stage. Jane Lynch, who by now has won everything she can for her role, just gives the same speech every time. At one point last night, I thought, who here isn’t on that show?

But the real downer of the night came courtesy of Ricky Gervais. After his take-no-prisoners opening monologue, the stars he introduced came out looking a bit shell-shocked or ticked off effectively killing the usually light hearted mood that has always made this show so much fun. By the second half of the night, his presence was limited but by then, the buzz kill had taken full effect.

When it comes to fashion, last night’s Golden Globes reminded me of ‘Opposite Day’ at my daughter’s preschool where the kids were allowed to wear mismatched clothes or something from their mother’s closet. (Well, it seemed Leighton Meester raided her grandmother’s trunk for her matronly dress). While no one showed up with their dress inside out, Helena Bonham Carter’s mismatched shoes were strangely reminiscent of a toddler’s attempt at dress-up.

The other ‘Opposite Effect’ that took hold was that the usual red carpet stunners were among the night’s worst offenders and women we barely noticed before dazzled. Halle Berry, Julianne Moore and Catherine Zeta Jones all disappointed. Women like Piper Perabo and Emma Stone (who?) looked gorgeous.

Upon first impression, it looked as if the red carpet was awash in pretty dresses but soon enough it was swamped in a sea of ruffles and a ridiculous number of bottle green dresses. The color of money? We get it.

There were no less than five green dresses on the red carpet. None really wowed. Angelina Jolie in a sparkling Versace wore it best. Let’s face it though, it could have just have easily been worn by Tina Fey (whose L’Wren Scott velvet number must have been pretty uncomfortable in the eighty degree heat). I usually love Catherine Zeta Jones but she looked like she had just stepped off the stage of Radio City’s Christmas Show. All she needed was ornaments as earrings. Sorry, but it’s true.

I found it alarming that Nicole Kidman had one of the most womanly bodies on the red carpet. It was a case of the incredibly shrinking actress. With the exception of Sofia Vergara, practically every woman there looked positively skeletal. Apparently, size 4 is a plus size in lala land.

Best dressed of the night was Eva Longoria who looked simply stunning in Zac Posen. How does someone so petite get her va va voom on so well? Anne Hathaway shimmered in Armani looking every inch the movie star she has become. Piper Perabo was amazingly chic in her black Oscar de la Renta, red lipstick and high ponytail. Who knew? In a sea of over the top ruffled confections, I loved the chic minimalism of Emma Stone’s pretty peach Calvin Klein.

And now the Worst dressed. Where to start? The usual fashion stalwarts fizzled or just plain disappointed. Halle Berry forgot her dress and came in her underwear. Julianne Moore fashioned a pair of curtains from the set of A Single Man and made it into a costume better suited to the heroine of a Judith Krantz mini-series. Red menace Christina Hendricks is obviously starved for attention. And it is so sad that a beauty like her Mad Men costar January Jones never, ever gets it right. Finally, a word about tattoos to all those misguided young actresses who have them: just because Angelina gets away with it doesn’t mean you can. We don’t like hers either, but we’re too afraid of her to tell her.

Not the best night for fashion and not the worst. The show grade: D. The fashion grade: B-.

Here’s how the whole shebang unfolded:

5:02PM Ricky Gervais launches into his squirm-inducing opening monologue. In the space of four minutes he manages to insult Johnny Depp (really?), Angelina Jolie, Charlie Sheen and the cast of Sex & The City. His truly tasteless jokes about Hugh Hefner’s fiancée were disgusting. You could hear a pin drop when he went for his Tom Cruise/John Travolta gay joke.

5:06PM Scarlett Johansson presents the first award of the night looking completely miserable. She must be psychic and has seen the future of the next three hours.

5:09PM Best Supporting Actor in a Drama (Film) Christian Bale has to be played off the stage and winds up being bleeped for his parting remark where he called Robert DeNiro ‘The sh—.’ Its going to be a looong night. Thanks to his ramblings the show is already running late. Producers try to play catch up by basically playing off every television winner for the rest of the night.

5:10PM In an upset, Katey Sagal wins Best Actress in a Drama (television) beating favorites Elizabeth Moss and Juliana Marguiles. Her big moment is cut off when she gets shooed off the stage by that annoying music.

5:16PM In effort to scale back on designer clothes, the usually stunning Julianne Moore is wearing something created from the drapes in her aunt’s house. Somewhere, Tom Ford is weeping.

5:20PM A whole series of people no one cares about go on and on when they take the stage. Backstage, producers are in search of a giant hook.

5:21PM Ricky Gervais is back. He introduces Bruce Willis as Ashton Kutcher’s dad. I was hoping Bruce would go all Die Hard on Ricky but instead he just looks more than a little miffed.

5:24PM Chris Colfer wins Best Supporting Actor Comedy for Glee and gives bullied kids everywhere hope with is heartfelt and mercifully brief speech. (“Screw that, kids!”) Nicely done.

5:30PM Michelle Pfeiffer presents. I bet she has a painting in her attic that is aging rapidly.

5:31PM Divorce becomes her. Eva Longoria is my pick for Best Dressed of the night.

5:34PM Fingers crossed we get to see Jon Hamm on stage for Best Actor.

5:35PM Nope, I have to shield my eyes when it’s Steve Buscemi instead. He also gets cut short by “sad music.”

5:44PM Some idiot actor from The Social Network can’t read the teleprompter and has to start over multiple times. Good going, sport.

5:55PM True Grit’s Hailee Steinfeld and Justin Bieber walk on to present an award. Just asking but why are the young male tween heart throbs today such girly men? Justin Bieber looks like my niece in drag.

6:00PM After being cruelly introduced by Ricky Gervais with tired references to his stints at “Betty Ford and ‘The LA County Jail,’ Robert Downey calls Gervais out for his “mean spirited” shtick.

6:03PM Ricky Gervais isn’t getting into any after parties.

6:04PM Annette Bening takes the stage with scary hair. She and the writer of the film she starred in, The Kids Are All Right, are dressed eerily alike down to their unfortunate eyeglasses.

6:09PM Sylvester Stallone introduces “The Boxer.” I love “Rocky” in all its iterations but he looks like he had a full body transplant. You can’t make this stuff up.

6:11PM Geoffrey Rush takes the stage. Great actor. Terrible dresser.

6:12PM Al Pacino wins Best Actor in a mini-series. I fear another rambling speech is about to be thrust upon us. Yup.

6:17PM Claire Danes, who apparently hasn’t eaten anything for about a month, wins for Best Support Actress in a mini series.

6:23PM Nice to see some child stars do grow up. Zac Efron looks like Harrison Ford compared to the rest of his peer group.

6:24PM Ricky Gervais makes his only borderline funny remark of the night when he calls out Steve Carrell for being ungrateful for bailing on The Office and “killing the cash cow.”

6:25PM Shot of Michelle Williams in an unfortunate, frumpy dress that looks like it’s from Talbot’s Mommy & Me collection.

6:29PM Apparently two guys we never heard of are going to star in films this summer as Captain America and Thor.

6:30PM Jane Lynch wins Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy for Glee. Ed O’Neill readies his remark for the press as to why Sofia Vergara should have won.

6:46PM OMG Jane Fonda! I don’t care if you’ve had your entire body lifted, you still look amazing. Love, love, love the dress.

7:05PM Angelina Jolie is not amused. Neither are we.

7:06PM Robert DeNiro, in accepting his Cecil B. DeMille Awards, attempts to audition for Gervais’ hosting gig for next year’s show. His performance is not unlike your Uncle Morty’s ill-fated attempt at stand-up at your cousin’s wedding last year. Yeesh.

7:15PM David Fincher wins Best Director for The Social Network. In accepting his award makes some joke involving Jon Benet. Huh?

7:17PM Versace pitchwoman January Jones comes out in a hideous red bondage dress. Betty Draper would not approve.

7:18PM Glee wins Best Comedy. Half the room takes to the stage.

7:25PM Halle Berry must have been in a hurry to get here tonight because she’s in her underwear. I don’t care if it’s Armani. We know you’re a gorgeous woman but you’re an Oscar winner for goodness sakes. You don’t have to dress like that anymore!

7:34PM Sure thing Natalie Portman wins Best Actress in a Drama. Too bad she is wearing that silly Viktor & Rolf dress. Dior must be disappointed and if I were Kate and Laura Mulleavy of Rodarte I’d be more than a little ticked off. She does get points for the night’s sweetest speech with her shout out to Grandma Bernice and her loving remarks about her parents who are beaming with pride in the audience. Loved the kudos for Mila ‘Sweet Lips’ Kunis. I’d get going on my Oscar speech if I were you.

7:38PM Presenter Tom Hanks recalls a time when Ricky Gervais was a “chubby and kind comedian.” You’re in trouble when the Mayor of Hollywood calls you out …

7:39PM Another shot of an unsmiling Angelina Jolie. We feel your pain.

7:40PM The Kids Are All Right wins Best Picture Comedy. The best of a weak bunch.

7:46PM Uh-oh. Ricky is introducing Sandra Bullock.

7:47PM She manages to escape his wrath only to land on everyone’s worst dressed list. What a difference a year makes. Last year she was flawless in Alexander McQueen. This year she appears to be channeling Ally Sheedy’s character from The Breakfast Club.

7:48PM Finally, a moment of civility. Colin Firth wins Best Actor in a Drama for his performance in The King’s Speech. In his acceptance speech he says, “Getting to the mid-point of your life with your dignity intact is precarious …” He is funny, gracious and charming. Refreshing.

7:57PM Michael Douglas, who was robbed of the chance to bring everyone to tears earlier in the night when he lost to Christian Bale, gets a standing ovation before introducing the Best Picture Drama. We tear up when he quips, “There’s a gotta be an easier way.” The Social Network is the winner. Facebook has officially taken over the world.

7:59PM Ricky Gervais thanks the crowd for “being good sports” and stupidly thanks God “for making me an atheist.” Buh-bye.

8:02PM Show producers put in a call to Ellen DeGeneres asking her to host next year.
-end

(Photo credit: Style.com)

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Marilyn Kirschner: Monday Morning Quarterback
What is the world coming to? What can we count on when even one’s astrological sign (the one you’ve become associated with for decades), has literally changed overnight? Well, thankfully, there are some things that will never change: our ongoing fascination with the Red Carpet and that age old question: “Who will wear what”? It’s almost as though “Who will win what?” is secondary.

 But let’s face it, the phrase, Red Carpet Fashion is an oxymoron and I have come to expect nothing more than a parade of highly predicable, formulaic, ‘paint by numbers’ choices, (some which oft times seem to be completely disconnected from the wearer), thanks to the stylists, since let’s face it, in rare cases only, is it the star herself who has conceived of, picked out, or paid for her outfit from head-to-toe.

Olivia Wilde

 And considering that these highly paid celebs have the wherewithal, the access, and of course, the means, to insure they have the best of the best, it makes the end result of so much time and effort seem to be even more of a letdown. It also boggles the mind how so few stars truly get it right (Cate Blanchett and Natalie Portman quickly come to mind). Or wrong (which would at least be refreshing and interesting). But isn’t it all so subjective anyway?

Tilda Swinton

While I do think Julia Roberts looked gorgeous years ago, when she picked up her Oscar for Best Actress wearing that chic vintage black and white Valentino gown, I actually think she outdid herself at last year’s Golden Globes, clad in a long sleeved v neck short black chemise dress, simple high heeled pumps, accessorized by an eye-catching vintage long chunky gold pendant necklace (the dress and necklace were purchased at a vintage store in Manhattan and if I remember correctly, I believe the dress was YSL and she paid about $1000 for it. But that is completely beside the point because there is always too much emphasis placed on wearing well known labels instead of concentrating on just plain fabulous frocks). It completely suited her style, it exuded an unfussy, modern glamour, it played to her strengths (showing off her gorgeous gams), and she picked it out and paid for it herself. Interestingly, several self appointed ‘experts’ criticized her for looking “underdressed”, more suited to going out to dinner than to an awards ceremony. Ah, what do they know? In any case, everyone is entitled to their opinion. It’s not brain surgery, if you know what I mean.

Anne Hathaway

Still, isn’t it fun to be a Monday morning quarterback, second guess, and sit in judgment? By the way, you can say that was literally the case last evening, since the New York Jets were playing against the New England Patriots just as the Red Carpet arrivals were getting underway, and I, for one, kept turning the station back and forth as I’m certain was the case in many other households.

Natalie Portman

 So, who got it right? While I’ll admit I’ve preferred Natalie Portman’s past Red Carpet choices, she nonetheless glowed and looked beautiful in her pale and strapless flower appliquéd Viktor & Rolf, and it ‘worked’ considering her pregnancy; the red one shouldered Lanvin chosen by Julianne Moore may not have been the most flattering dress of all time, but it was certainly a bold fashion choice in terms of color and silhouette and was hardly a safe choice; Claire Danes’ salmon colored Calvin Klein Collection halter dress suited her perfectly and looked modern and chic; Catherine Zeta-Jones and Angelina Jolie looked every inch the movie stars they are in their green gowns (by Monique Lhuillier and Versace Atelier respectively) as did Anne Hathaway in Armani Prive (fyi: I especially liked the long sleeves and covered up elegance of both the Lhuillier and Armani); 14 year old Hailee Steinfeld looked drop dead gorgeous and very grown up (but thankfully, not too much so) in an ivory Prabal Gurung; Olivia Wilde’s strapless and glittery Marchesa gown was quite an entrance maker, capitalizing on the ‘of the moment’ ballet theme going on these days, with a tulle skirt so full it almost took up the entire stage; and you can always count on Tilda Swinton to take risks and go her own way an- instead of chosing a typical boring gown, she opted for the chicest thing in the world – a perfectly crisp white cotton shirt and long vanilla skirt, courtesy Jil Sander. By the way, Fashion ‘It Girl’ Alexa Chung, who was actually at work last evening, interviewing stars on the red carpet for NBC, looked glamorous and youthful, in her covered up, long sleeved red chiffon gown (designer unknown).

Helena Bonham Carter

 Disappointments (there were too many prom dresses, out of control cascading ruffles, etc. to mention) include Heidi Klum in a droopy printed Marc Jacobs from spring 2011 (proving that runway does not always translate onto the red carpet), Sandra Bullock in a rather unflattering and frumpy Jenny Packham, Nicole Kidman in pale long Prada (sorry- she could have done so much better!!!), J.Lo in a white Zuhair Murad which looked a tad too much like a wedding dress (actually, it was more like ‘Mother of the Bride’ for my taste), Halle Berry in black Nina Ricci (she is so gorgeous it ‘hurts’ and doesn’t need to wear something that so closely resembles underwear), Christina Aguilera in Zuhair Murad mermaid black lace, and Tina Fey who almost never gets it right and didn’t this time in her ill chosen L’Wren Scott. And truly a class by herself is Helena Bonham Carter, wearing a Vivienne Westwood dress accessorized with purposely mismatched pumps and her signature birds nest, piled up hair. Yikes. Well, you have to hand it to her: at least she didn’t look like anyone else!

– Marilyn Kirschner
(Photo Credits: Courtesy Golden Globes except for Tilda Swinton: Style.com)

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