But It’s Really Her Front That Has Everyone Talking…

Paris Hilton’s ginormous, in-your-face boobs which have been in the news for the last few weeks have brought her back from relative obscurity. Forget controversy over the Left Shark vs. the Right Shark, Paris’ um situation now combines left and right until they are basically one. Paris who? you might say. She couldn’t seem to get arrested as of late; although her brother apparently did just that after a flight last July; and had seemingly retreated into the ether where used up celebrities go to fade away. Or so we assumed. We had come to forget her past ubiquity circa prior to 2008 when her former bff Kim K stole her photo agency value thunder and never gave the paparazzi back. Now, it seems,

Paris Hilton 2009

Princess Paris is seeking to reclaim her throne and an enhanced chest is her ticket to rule. It really does signal that the apocalypse is near when a one-time celebutante who claimed great pride in her modest (read: flat) chest suddenly comes torpedoing back into the public consciousness with two new weapons of mass destruction in an effort to put her firmly back in the glaring white spotlight and label her instantly “hot”. Flaunting her “breast friends” in Milan at Menswear Fashion Week, on Instagram in an open robe shot, and most recently at the Gabriel Cadenas fashion show in New York showing dangerous levels of decolletage, the question remains murky about whether they’re real or “Mammorex.”

Paris Hilton in 2014

Paris denies that she’s had anything done surgery-wise and has always claimed to like her small chest because she never had to wear a bra. When asked about the drastic change, she wisely attributes it to the “Paris Hilton Push-Up Bra” in her new line of lingerie. Excuse me but that thing must be extremely uncomfortable in order to get that amount of cleavage. Further research unearths a photo from 2009 in which she is wearing a push up bra and does look much bustier, enabling us to almost suspend disbelief. That said, I and others more well versed in this ahem area are left downright perplexed by the late January Instagram shot entitled “Glam Time” in which she sports an open robe and some substantial cleavage. It doesn’t seem possible that any bra is responsible for this shot since it would be visible and even boob tape doesn’t seem like a viable option here. There is a table full of makeup in front of her and the question of whether that was all for her face or was also used to enhance her bust line is one for the ages. TMZ even questioned their resident MUA and she cried foul.(see video) YouTube is full of videos of boob cleavage makeup done on trannys and on smaller chested women (see videos) and certainly some amount of smoke and mirrors is possible. The photo is a bit blurred out along the demarcation zone in question adding to the mystery.

Paris at Gabriel Cadenas show

Reaction on social media has been swift and merciless. Obviously many men love it while many women say that she had a much better look with her small chest. One thing is for sure: whether they came from a surgeon’s office or from an intimate apparel apparatus Bruce Springsteen’s “For You” lyrics seem fitting to describe Paris with her new boobs: “But that medal you wore on your chest always got in the way Like a little girl with a trophy so soft to buy her way.” As evidence I submit the recent photos of Paris glancing lovingly at her own chest as if to say “this was money well spent as it’s made me relevant again.” Others have commented on the possibility of an eventual unveiled disappointment if it is in fact the work of a good bra. “That would be like opening a bag of chips and finding it half filled with air.” one commented.

Of course Paris is not by any means the only one to keep us guessing.   About a month ago photos of 17-year-old Kylie Jenner surfaced in which she looked surgically enhanced which we all know is quite possible in that family.  Her response: “Calm down Internet…It’s just a push-up bra.” The Bombshell bra by Victoria’s Secret which increases your bust by two cup sizes, (the same one that Taylor Swift reportedly wore at the 2014 VS Fashion Show) was deemed responsible. All the Kardashian women thought Kylie looked so good that they each ordered ones for themselves according to TMZ:(see article). Kylie is also suspected of having lip implants or lip plumping injections yet she insists it is due to her lipliner application and dutiful sister Kim swears to it. Naturally, photos of the youngest Jenner without lipstick seem to confirm that more than a color cosmetic is answerable for the “punched in the kisser” fullness.

To borrow a page from the New England Patriots playbook can we please name this syndrome and promptly forget about it? How about “Inflategate”?

Laurel Marcus

OG journo major who thought Strunk & White's "The Elements of Style" was a fashion guide. Desktop comedienne -- the world of fashion gives me no shortage of material.

No Comments Yet

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.