A Change Of Name & A Dress

JLo & Ben finally tie the knot
Photo: @robzangardi

Britney and Sam, Kourtney and Travis, and now Jennifer and Ben have tied the knot making this the summer of the celebrity “I do.” None of these were hasty marriages, mind you, yet “Bennifer 2.0” holds the record (so far) for rekindling an old flame. (Somehow, I doubt Britney is ever getting back with Justin or Selena with the other Justin.)

Photo: Getty Images

Since Ben and Jen’s engagement 20 years ago and subsequent breakup, they’ve lived whole other lives, including marriage and children followed by engagements and relationships with others but have they changed? “Jenny from the block” has been around that block, and Ben’s been to rehab, but hey, they’re still the same Hollywood narcissists, just older and facing midlife.

Despite all the exes, JLo has stayed mum and come out on top, while Ben might want to consider Velcro-ing his mouth shut. Dissing the previous Jennifer and mother of his three children by saying he’d still be drinking if he stayed married to her diminished his status rather than hers.

This brings us to the seemingly impromptu wedding in the wee hours of July 16. I’m sure I’m not the only one wondering what spurred the power couple to A Little White Wedding Chapel just before midnight and after Elvis had left the building?

What exactly goes on in a drive-through wedding venue – can you get an In-N-Out Burger and a side of fries to go? And in Vegas, no less – it seems that “Sin City” is the last place you’d want to take a notorious former gambling addict.

Maybe the “Gone Girl” actor and the “Let’s Get Loud” singer made a bet – could he actually behave himself after being previously thrown out of town after a bender? And while Elvis was a no-show, at least his pink Cadillac stuck around. The “Love Don’t Cost a Thing” singer signed the marriage certificate with a new name – Jennifer Lynn Affleck. It was the “best night of our lives” and “exactly what we wanted,” she proclaimed in her “On the JLO” newsletter.

Alexander McQueen “Jersey Girl” Dress
Photo: Instagram

So what did the blushing bride wear? She wore her New Jersey, haha — make that the “old movie dress” that was “saved in her closet” since 2004’s film “Jersey Girl” (in which she starred with her future hubby) prim white round-necked frock (yes, it resembled a first communion or a flower girl dress) weirdly enough designed by Alexander McQueen.

Shalom Harlow in Alexander McQueen
Photo: Getty Images

How can anyone forget McQueen’s Arts and Crafts-influenced 1999 Spring/Summer finale dress worn by Shalom Harlow? Two robot arms spray painted her strapless white dress (as well as her flesh) as she writhed around on the runway suggesting an assault. Ultimately, the takeaway was that she ruled the machines and reasserted control. Perhaps those robot arms could have saved the night for JLoAff?

Meanwhile, robots are currently in the news for grabbing and breaking a 7-year-old’s finger during a Russian chess tournament. Guess who is taking the blame? No, not the machine – the boy is accused of making his move too quickly before the robot was safely out of the way. Also, in the news — a Google engineer was recently fired for remarking that “AI” robots are becoming sentient and self-aware. Google does not want us to know how they’re replacing us.

A full-length look at Lopez’s Zuhair Murad gown
Photo: Zuhair Murad

But I digress –back to humans and fashion. A more traditional long-sleeved white off-the-shoulder corseted and fishtail hemmed Zuhair Murad dress and veil was worn in the actual ceremony of this quickie wedding. The multi-talented bride changed in the break room while the groom changed in the Men’s Room.

Meanwhile, as celebrity couples do –think Kravis in Italy sponsored by Dolce & Gabbana –Bennifer are on a (possibly?) sponsored honeymoon in the City of Light along with one each of their respective teen daughters.

Ben is asleep on the boat in Paris
Photo: Backgrid

Every day is a photo op complete with its own Birkin bag. An Ill-fitting Oscar de la Renta floral dress with $55 TKees flip-flops; a black dress with cutouts and gold accessories while comforting an emotional Ben on her 53rd birthday dinner at Girafe, the exclusive restaurant at the Tour Eiffel; faded jeans with sky-high platform shoes (to walk on cobblestones); granny chic cardigan over sweetly floral sundress while cruising the Seine in a private Bateaux. That last look apparently knocked Ben out – as in, he appeared to fall into an open-mouthed catatonic nap mid-cruise.

The loved-up couple is staging a bigger blowout to celebrate with family and friends, soon to be held at Ben’s Savannah estate –where they were planning on getting married the last time! What should the JLo Body and Beauty owner wear? She said that green is her favorite color – which Ben must’ve realized, following up his pink diamond from the first go-round with a lime green one when they got engaged last April. “I always say the color green is my lucky color. Maybe you can remember a certain green dress,” she wrote in her “On the JLO” newsletter about the plunged-below-her navel Versace green jungle print dress.

Canvas Bridal Dress
Photo: Canvas Bridal

I could see her wearing something bridal but with green accents reminiscent of that dress. This Canvas Bridal by Taylor Ann Art hand-painted gown https://taylorannart.com/ keeps the idea of a painted gown going. Taylor Ann, who started in the business when she painted her wedding dress in sunset colors, doesn’t do custom, but it’s for JLo, so perhaps she’d consider it?

Is Bennifer 2.0 meant to be? Are they soulmates to the end, as the chapel minister who heard them read their “beautiful words” to each other told PEOPLE? If so, why does Ben never smile? Only time will tell; however, some believe there’s a deep dark secret as to why JLo doesn’t appear to age.

According to a 2016 article in UK’s Daily Star, when Jen had just turned 47, the reason is simple. The headline: “She’s a robot” Fans lead conspiracy theories on Jennifer Lopez’s Youthful Appearance.”

She still looks the same six years later, so it’s confirmed!

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Laurel Marcus

OG journo major who thought Strunk & White's "The Elements of Style" was a fashion guide. Desktop comedienne -- the world of fashion gives me no shortage of material.

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